i definitely do not mean to ignore this diary - i've recorded my feelings here far too long to forget it's existence.

the following was also posted at the recovery room, but it's a milestone for me so i'm putting it here also:

i went to a themed party that i had also gone to last year, at a lower weight...and this year, i wore a mini-dress! sometimes forcing myself to go out when i feel like, "oh, people are going to see that i've gained.." is one of the best things i can do. i was compared to a girl who is easily 10 lbs lighter than i am, and complimented by others...which forces me to reconstruct the thoughts that had been going through my mind earlier. in other words, i'm forcing myself to see that i am actually still on the thin side (i naturally have a small frame, but i rarely see it even now - i see myself as normal) and that more importantly, i actually FEEL GOOD TOO. i can have my cake and eat it too, in all aspects...others see me as still thin, but i feel infinitely better! the end result is that last year, i covered myself up in a long dress and a sweater because i had a low body image...but this year, i overcame it = proof that weight is TOTALLY IRREVELANT.

i am so happy with where i am now, despite occasional irritations. i think that a 20-something in the modern world HAS to deflect the constant media attack against self image. as for myself, i have gone through it enough...i don't need to accept the media anymore, and i don't need to accept the negative thoughts that enter my head anymore. if OTHERS don't even see them, then for goodness sake, why should i live in a fantasy world (of negative thoughts)??

nope, i will not be doing that.